the light at the end of the tunnel

12/09/08    Friday

 Every time I try to start studying, my mind wanders. I wish it wouldn't @.@ about everything and anything. noohh! It always happens for this subject. I wish it wouldn't ... I studied so little...wasted a lot of time...It's so NOT GOOD...
        
                          You know .. *serious tone* it's hard to believe but I haven't said this or written it. Maybe because I was trying to forget. But I don't want to. So here it is : I miss my mom.
   No, not the pain-suffering-crying sick her.. Pre-that.. The happy-jovial-always-there-for-me-for-ever-with-no-doubt-mistake-correcting-mom. I mean, think about it.. It's not just about the fact that the entire order of the universe changed. I mean I have a mom. Period.
Right?
Wrong..But Why???
 Ok , I do know why..But still, why couldn't she have stayed healthy forever?? The world just lost a tinge of pink -.-. I know, she's happy. But it's soo confusing. Why can't simple happiness last forever... WHY?Well there... I miss her hugs..the fact that whatever happened I had a back-up plan. Will I ever see her again (yes??) mmmhmm..I can't talk to anyone about this right now. I don't trust anyone as much (or/and) I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable--------Well there I broke the record of not saying anything about it . Maybe I'll talk about it more later.
                                                 Love  
                                                      Jef.

So, this is hard to talk about.
Truth is , that I wrote about my mother - I think once, after this particular entry in my diary/journal. And that was more than 3 years after this one.
But oddly, my feelings remain nearly the same. I'm always going to miss her, and that's just how things are.
   It's so much easier to not talk about things that bother us. It's so much easier to just let it get behind you, and pretend that it's not there.
But then, I've learnt the hard way that, though it's important to look at the brighter side of things - it's better to let other people know what you're struggling with.
 And who knows, maybe somewhere, somehow, someone, struggling will see that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, that billions of people have already found - and that it's just a matter of time before you get there as well.
    I know I don't speak new words. These things you've probably heard of already - no matter what, don't let go of hope - and you're probably wanting to kick me for repeating this-but the reason people repeat it so often is because there is truth behind it. And if this hasn't gotten through to you, then I hope and pray that you'll learn it in your own way.

 No matter how bad the situation is ( or how bad you've made it ) things will change. You will remember what it's like to be alive again, if you choose to believe it.

We all have our battles, and I know mine doesn't even COMPARE to some of the things that people have had to deal with in their life ( and continue to deal with right now). Atleast I've had the priveledge of knowing and growing with my mother for 13 years.

I don't know what your source of strength is,or what keeps you going. For me - God is the only one who sticks with me through everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING.) He is the only reason, I'm alive and well today. Because I mess up way too much , to make it on my own.

 

 

Love

Jeff

Why Serve? :D

Hey :),
 Here is something I wrote for an English Test. It roughly and briefly explains why I think everybody should be involved in some form of positive "service"(and by that I mean, helping others out, keeping only the uplifting of others in mind - for absolutely no personal benefit.)

     Positive change in society begins only when its smallest and most important units - its individuals - begin to think and act positively. Citizens involved in service begin to understand that the world is much bigger than themselves and their problems. They also begin to obtain a different perspective- one which helps them see that their lives needn't be wasted, but can be full of joy and be used to change other lives as well. By this, both the one who is served and the one who serves is benefited. If we want our county to change, we need to see that we are an integral part of it, and by our actions show those around us, through service. 

I know I've said "for absolutely no personal benefit" and then , in the passage mentioned that " by this, both the one who is served and the one who serves if benefited" - and it sounds contradictory, but - it isn't . What I mean is personal benefit will roll in once we focus on other things, besides ourselves. 
    
   I'm not saying that I am an somebody who is an extremely experienced person in the field of Service. 
Au contraire , I am aware of how much I painfully lack in giving back to the society. But I will strive, to maybe become that person someday. One of the main reasons for my posting this here, on this blog, is so that it remains (for however long this page may exist) as a reminder for myself. 

 // Have been Missing In Action for several months mostly because I have been focussing on growth and taking a break-in general. I'm SUPER EXCITED to be writing here again :). Thanks for reading. God Bless :D
Love
-jeff