the light at the end of the tunnel

12/09/08    Friday

 Every time I try to start studying, my mind wanders. I wish it wouldn't @.@ about everything and anything. noohh! It always happens for this subject. I wish it wouldn't ... I studied so little...wasted a lot of time...It's so NOT GOOD...
        
                          You know .. *serious tone* it's hard to believe but I haven't said this or written it. Maybe because I was trying to forget. But I don't want to. So here it is : I miss my mom.
   No, not the pain-suffering-crying sick her.. Pre-that.. The happy-jovial-always-there-for-me-for-ever-with-no-doubt-mistake-correcting-mom. I mean, think about it.. It's not just about the fact that the entire order of the universe changed. I mean I have a mom. Period.
Right?
Wrong..But Why???
 Ok , I do know why..But still, why couldn't she have stayed healthy forever?? The world just lost a tinge of pink -.-. I know, she's happy. But it's soo confusing. Why can't simple happiness last forever... WHY?Well there... I miss her hugs..the fact that whatever happened I had a back-up plan. Will I ever see her again (yes??) mmmhmm..I can't talk to anyone about this right now. I don't trust anyone as much (or/and) I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable--------Well there I broke the record of not saying anything about it . Maybe I'll talk about it more later.
                                                 Love  
                                                      Jef.

So, this is hard to talk about.
Truth is , that I wrote about my mother - I think once, after this particular entry in my diary/journal. And that was more than 3 years after this one.
But oddly, my feelings remain nearly the same. I'm always going to miss her, and that's just how things are.
   It's so much easier to not talk about things that bother us. It's so much easier to just let it get behind you, and pretend that it's not there.
But then, I've learnt the hard way that, though it's important to look at the brighter side of things - it's better to let other people know what you're struggling with.
 And who knows, maybe somewhere, somehow, someone, struggling will see that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, that billions of people have already found - and that it's just a matter of time before you get there as well.
    I know I don't speak new words. These things you've probably heard of already - no matter what, don't let go of hope - and you're probably wanting to kick me for repeating this-but the reason people repeat it so often is because there is truth behind it. And if this hasn't gotten through to you, then I hope and pray that you'll learn it in your own way.

 No matter how bad the situation is ( or how bad you've made it ) things will change. You will remember what it's like to be alive again, if you choose to believe it.

We all have our battles, and I know mine doesn't even COMPARE to some of the things that people have had to deal with in their life ( and continue to deal with right now). Atleast I've had the priveledge of knowing and growing with my mother for 13 years.

I don't know what your source of strength is,or what keeps you going. For me - God is the only one who sticks with me through everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING.) He is the only reason, I'm alive and well today. Because I mess up way too much , to make it on my own.

 

 

Love

Jeff

Getting down to it.

It bothers me sometimes, when we have writing work or a test of some sort to do in English class, and everybody in class always finishes before me. I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that I stare long and hard at the questions- waiting for the perfect answer to magically appear in my mind, complete with the right punctuation.
But of course that never happens.
And so, as the hour dwindles to the end, and the teacher announces that we are in the last 5 minutes of the test time, I scribble like a maniac. I get completely mindless, and write and write and write. I don't quite remember what it is I write, though...

True story. 

It's during those last 5 minutes that I realize that getting some marks is better than getting a zero- i.e. writing Something is better than writing Nothing at all. (I only wish that I'd realized that MUCH  earlier.)
That's the thing that happens when you want to write, you have this automatic tendency of wanting to write well- which is all fine and dandy,as long as you write something.
It doesn't matter if you don't really have a clue about what you're going to write about.
 Just Write.
[This is the best piece or writing advice I've ever received] You probably will make mistakes, and probably will want to rip the page apart at times- but there's no need to worry, because you will learn from these mistakes you make- and learn to write better, the way you like it. And don't worry- it's okay to write something mind-numbingly boring than to write nothing at all, that's just how it is.
This is not so easy to remember at times, especially when you feel like you've been drained of all your inspiration and creativity, or when you really want to impress people with your work.
So, just write-figure things out as you do it.
BUT, then again, everybody's different. =] So, there are people out there who like to think on a ,say, story for a book for years and years before actually sitting down to actually write it; but the point is that they get round to it at some point.
Everybody makes mistakes. 

so don't let the fear of making them stop you :D

Relax, though, and have fun with it. Whether you're writing because you want to, or because you have to- like for school or some place else- remember that, in the beginning, it's always a good thing to write something rather than nothing at all. (nobody's going to get to see how great that idea of yours is, unless, you write it down.)
You can ALWAYS correct your erroneous, yet awesome, collection of words a little after you write it.
Okay, now I'm off to work on a couple of writing assignments I have, from college. Have fun writing!!
love
      -jeff <3