My Life Story D.

The pen to write my story, has never been in my hand.
Every day - my new experiences reminds of something I have forgotten or teaches me a new lesson that I hope to never forget.
It has been exciting penning down- or typing into the computer My Life Story- (describing to you from my perspective about some of the things that have gone on it my life, so far). And to every single person who has gotten in touch with to say "Oh, I didn't know that about you" or "when's the next part coming, I can't wait." - I want to give you a big hug, because you made my day when you did that - and to those who've read it- I'm really happy you did, because that's partly why I write.

Well, here it is the next part of the story:  

I had idolized my friends, and a number of other things, and had changed myself a little bit. I didn't resemble myself anymore.
God took me back, like I was a prisoner He freed me, forgave me and showed me the richness and meaning behind forgiveness.
He showed me the power of Love.
What happened next became the cherishing of a MOST BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY , that of my God and me.
I spent ALL my time with Him, with the help of the spirit He gave me and Boy, what Blessings He's brought into my life.
However, I continue to reject and disobey Him on several occasions and end up feeling empty & broken.
 

   He is absolutely the only reason I stand. I've also discovered that the hardest part of Loving the Lord is to continue to do so till the very end, no matter what people say. It doesn't even compare, however, to how hard life would be without Him.

Now, when I go to sleep feeling rejected by my friends, I wake up remembering how even though I, rejected the Lord, He Loves me still -so, obviously my friends feel the Grace drip out of me too. When I feel angry, hurt and disappointed with the ones I love - I understand that God goes through the same emotions. If a finite father like mine, feels sad when I don't do well in a test - how much more must MY INFINITE FATHER feel disappointed when I mess up and am broken.

He wants me to do well, because He made me. He wants me to enjoy Him, because He loves me.
and He loves you too.
No matter what you've done. Or who you think you are.

I am imperfect. I disappoint people. I disappoint God. I disappoint myself.Honestly, I have been too afraid to speak, for fear of "if I say the wrong thing". But, I trust Him, and He catches me as I fall. So, I am not afraid.
 
 I realize, that I needed to acknowledge the Truth, and see that it is in my Favour.

---------------------------------------

My story isn't over yet, because the One who is writing it has great plans for me. He knows the ending, and so I hope that I'll always be His little girl - not one who forgets Him at any point.

                                                       Mac Powell - When Love Sees you

P.S. The word 'Story' comes in the songs that I've posted with each part.


My Life Story D. (this part) has the song When Love Sees you by Mac Powell.

(Tell me your story. Show me your wounds. And I'll show you what Love sees when Love looks at you. Hand me the pieces, broken and bruised. And I'll show you what Love sees when Love sees you.)

My Life Story C.  has the song Warrior by Demi Lovato
 (..this is a story, that I have never told, I gotta get this off my chest to let it go..)

My Life Story B. has the song Need you Now by Plumb
(Everybody's got a story to tell, Everybody's got a wound to be healed.)

My Life Story A has the song All this Time by Britt Nicole
(..You're the God who sees, the God who rescued  me, This is my story.. )

Did you catch that?
Love Jeffy




 

My Life Story. C.

Hello there,

I've been having tests at college for the past 5 days, so I chose to put NaBloPoMo on pause for a while (the last test is on Monday)
It's a little late, but here's the third part to the four part series of "My Life Story" which I've been putting up here.
[ Here's Part 1 and Part 2 ]

                                                                                ..

 

..And Suddenly I was going to the camp with a lot of girls in a van with my teacher.
We reached the site earlier than the J team , or anybody else and sat under the moonlight on the sand, outside the camp site and talked. I remembering feeling very much at peace with everything - which was new to me.
The members of J team came in, and the camp began with a singing session inside. I felt comforted by God's presence somehow, for I now recognized that Voice inside my head as God's and I sighed a happy sigh and said to God that I was ready for life with just Him and me. 

  

For some reason – I soon became sort of uncomfortable in my own skin. Later that night, one of the camp counsellors spoke with me privately and asked me,"So, I hear you don't have a mother at home.. How does that feel?"
I welled up immediately, but the tears didn’t fall, and didn't say a word. I was 17 then, but some things feel the same no matter how much you age.
She asked me how my relationship with God was. I replied with a shrug.
She smiled and asked me how my relationship with ‘Sa’ was,
"Good!" I replied with a broad smile.
"Good! right?" she mirrored me and then said - that my relationship with God could be the same. But the only thing  that blocked me from a relationship with Him, were my own sins. I just listened, nodded and don't remember saying a single word.
Somebody interrupted us, and I quietly walked back to the "Session" at camp that was going on currently.
As I walked into the room with wide eyes . I heard the words "Will you please stop Hating Yourself?"
I held back the tears as I opened the door to where all the other kids(campers) were and the Voice said "Look around and tell me : Do you see anybody else here who hates themselves?"
I turned and realized that I was surrounded by a bunch of lightly laughing, confident people.
"no."
I replied quietly.
After a deep and Loving conversation with God, I came to see that I needed to stop hating myself and not just that - but to start loving myself as well.

The Impact was huge.

 

Inside of me any way, and maybe nobody else noticed, but ever since then I've begun feeling super comfortable in my own skin.

In the months that followed-I knew what I believed in by then, but I wasn't very strong in it. And even now I continue to struggle to hold on to what I believe in, sometimes.
Although I’d love to hide this part,  I believe it’s time to come clean. Without getting too much into the details, all I can say here is that I got close to somebody.

I used to believe that idols/ false gods were just statues that people worshipped. But I’ve gotten to see that our truest idols are simply anything or anybody – money, fame, another person etc. – that we love with all of us,  in the place of God.

I’ve come to see that any obsession/ addiction can become my "idol".

I hurt myself and I hurt others who meant well for me and there’s no point in hiding that.

 

At that time of idolizing this one person, I struggled to remember why I liked God so much, or why I wanted to go to Heaven.

I vaguely remembered something about longing to be with HIM (God), more than anything else - but it didn't seem relevant any more.

I ignored Him, and thought something along the lines of "I don't remember why I wanted God more than anything else. My life is obviously better without Him." Ohh, how wrong I was..

Those were pretty dark days for me, I couldn’t even think straight. I remembered how my life was before and wished I could have that back. But I'd been blinded by the lies that I believed in.

    God didn't give up on me though.
College was now reopening for my second year, and once againGod found me.

He revealed to me that the reason Christ died on the Cross was because of my sins, and because He loved me, and would I Please accept His Grace again?
This seemed unreal.

Who would want to take back somebody who rejected you? Who would want to cherish something that wasn't worth it?
And that would be my God. 

 

..
 

Heyo, you've successfully reached the end of the Third part out of the Four! :)

Although I could really relate to 'Warrior' by Demi Lovato (the video above), this is a song that I've been also relating to a lot (it's called 'Safe' by Britt Nicole) :
         

 

 Love
 Jeff

 
 

 

My Life Story.B.

Hey there! How you been??
If you're wondering what exactly you're reading, please check out the prequel to this here : My Life Story.A. 
This is the second part, of a four part story.
Thank you :)

..

       I went back to school, and it took some time to adjust to "not having a mother," because it was new.
Sometimes people said things like "You're lucky you don't have anybody to nag you and keep you at home when you want to go out" and it felt like such Cruel Comedy.

 It made no sense. Why would they think that?
But, it's taken me QUITE A LONG TIME and I understand finally that people sometimes say things because they don't know any better.
 I nodded and smiled back then, becauseI didn't know any better.

All I wanted,was to fit in and be like every one else.

 I'd sometimes stare at mothers with their kids and want that so badly.

It made no sense.

However, because most people sort of looked at me with pity and expected me to mess up in life- I wanted to do the exact opposite.

 I wanted to be successful. I wanted to be good at maths and school in general.
And so, I did well in school, but inside I was a mess.

Like I said before, I hated myself and cared about what others' thought of me.
People said I was strong, but I knew who I truly was. Thank God, for this teacher whom we'll call "Mrs. S" and a few other people who stood by me. I had a few amazing friends at this point- who hugged for no reason and enjoyed little things.

There was also a"reach out" group that "Mrs. S" had organized with some staff and students.
I volunteered to go with them for a visit to an "old-age-home"- but for some reason didn't go, 'cause I changed my mind in the last minute. And then I regretted it so much, and then decided to go along for the very next "trip" that was organized.

The next trip came along - and we had to interact with a few girls , who had been picked off the streets. Like, literally off the streets, because nobody had wanted them. And so they were now in this Home, where they get to stay, be loved, get educated etc.

Clearly, my life was so much better than theirs.

Clearly, I had much more to give, than they did. Suddenly my perspective changed.
So during this "visit",
 I noticed a girl standing in the side-lines, whereas the other girls from the Home were already talking with us, students, and had also begun dancing to the music that was being played.
This girl, reminded me of me.
And I just instinctively did what I thought I'd want somebody else to do for me in that situation.

Which was talk to her. 

She smiled and seemed to like being talked to.
This sparked something, both inside of her and inside of me.
It changed me, because soon we were both dancing - in the middle too. It was a weird and short dance, I admit. But I didn't stop smiling - the whole time.

There were several of these "trips" and "visits" that were organized and I tried to go on as many as possible.

I was love starved, and I learnt that -Life's not all about me, and it's rarely ever easy.

People loved being loved, and it turned out I still had a lot to give out even though I had thought that I was running on an empty tank.

I graduated from school, and didn't get the college course I'd wanted to - bitterness, disappointment and regret struck again.

 Before college started, an adventure camp was organized for our school girls by  "J (for Jesus) Team" - which was something a really close friend of mine whom we'll call "Sa" is a part of - and I'd gotten close to "Sa" in the 9th, and she mentioned "summer camps" every year , and showed me pictures .

Going to 'Camp' was a childhood wish of mine and I was finally going to live it. The camp site was in a gorgeous Forest.

The adventure was brilliant, and despite of any fears I might have had - I had a spectacular time.

" I'd better relish this, because I might never come back!" that's what went through my head as a camper. However, on the bus drive back to the train station "Sa" and her father (who had sort of founded J Team) asked me and 2 other friends Lydia & Catherine to join the J Team.

 At first I thought "um, me?" I had barely made it through as a camper, how on earth was I supposed to "lead" other people?

I didn't say anything. And they didn't push the matter further.

The day college started - I made sure I didn't dress up that well and wore my glasses even though I had contacts. And I prayed to God for good friends but also told Him, it's okay if I didn't get any because I'd always have Him-because I knew what it had been like to not friends in the past, and God had always come through for me.

I resolved to do my best at college- and be prepared to do well. I met some really cool people, and I had to be amazed - because God had answered those prayers pretty quickly.

College elections came around, and somebody asked me why I wasn't standing for any post.

I replied saying that I didn't even want to go to that college in the first place - so it wouldn't be right to stand for a post.

And then the girl, called Alice told me "We might have a lot of plans for ourselves, but God's plan is the best one for us." That shut me up.

I realized if I supposedly believed in God, I wouldn't be complaining about where He put me, and so I began seeing the brighter side of things.

This turned out to be NOT THAT HARD AT ALL- because there was PLENTY of good things that came with the college, the course, the study timings.

A 'Volunteers Training Camp' was being organized by J team around this time of settling into college, and some of the other kids from the Out-reach group from school were going. I didn't want to go.

This was mainly  because - at the exact same time that the camp was being organized-a "Food Fair" was going to be organized in College - and I didn't want to miss out on it.

So, I decided not to go.

However there was a Voice inside my head , unlike any other , which said " Take a Leap of Faith and go "

That meant I had to miss out on the Food fair, but I decided to listen to the Voice instead and told my teachers in advance that I wouldn't show up for the Food Fair. They asked me why, but didn't seem to care if I'd be there or not. 
And so I went.

 

 

 

You've successfully reached the end of the Second part out of Four! The next will once again be posted sometime Next Month.. Tell me what you think, there's a "contact me" message sender on the sidebar.

Love
Jeff

My Life Story. A.

Good day reader ! :D

Yesterday I stumbled across a blog post Your Life Story which made me think about how easily we get judged and judge others.
      At the bottom of the blogger, Julie, left an open invitation for the readers to send in our life stories to her by e-mail. I started writing "My Life Story" and wrote, for quite some time. It turned out to be freakishly LONG and I wrote until about 2:38 AM in the morning. 
 And as uncomfortable as it may be - I'm going to be sharing it here - in four parts (because.) So this is the first part :).

There was once a time quite a while back - when
I didn't care much about myself, but based my opinion of myself, on what others said.
It's crazy, how I managed to survive that phase- but I guess it didn't completely rule my life, so thank God for that. When I sit down to write this random sketch of my "life" so far, one thing that stands out - besides the kind of child I was ( which was the type who had a lot of ideas and thought a notebook +pen = happiness.) - is the passing of my mother.
My mom sacrificed a lot for me (as most mothers tend to do) , like - she gave up a career in my early stages to take care of me and my sister. She loved me, and told me to talk to Jesus whenever I thought I was alone and in the dark.            

She had cancer - was on treatment for a while, but soon got better. This was when I was very young, about 4 or 5 years of age(I don't remember exactly..).
I didn't know what cancer was, except that it made my mother have to go to the hospital quite a lot and also lose her hair(not as a result of cancer, but because of the treatment). She had mastectomy of one of her breasts(as part of her treatment). Chemotherapy and Radiation were words I heard quite a lot. Others might have looked at her differently - but to me she was my mom. 

That was my normal.        In spite of all this, and once the cancer had been "controlled" - things sort of took a different turn, and I had quite a blessed childhood. As a kid, I was protected, taken care of, Loved, listened to - and I'm grateful for aaaallll of that. :D
I made good friends in school, and did pretty OK with the scoring marks part in.

In High School, for some reason I started to drift apart from my friends. But I got to make new friends right after that and sort of sailed along somehow.
This was when I began to care about everybody else's opinions - which is good in some small ways, but can also become your poison. By this time, however, my mother was starting to have to go to the hospital a lot again. 

As a child, my mother tried to explain to me as best as she could - one afternoon- that she wanted to be there for me and asked me if I wanted her too?
We had a few mother-daughter fights, and I wasn't the best child - because by this time I had begun to hate myself ( for what ever reason ?) but when she asked me that - I sort of broke down and we both cried.
I didn't know she had little chances of recovery (nobody ever told me that) I guess I sort of thought , she'd get better like the last time.
About a week after my 13th birthday I came home from school and walked into the room where my mother rested, like every other day, to just talk- but she wasn't feeling well(with a cold, too) and started coughing and sort of pushed me away. I got mad at her, and left - my grandmother was in the room still, with her.
Soon, it became apparent that something was wrong - 'cause she didn't seem to be breathing right ( I'm not quite sure, exactly what was wrong) And we started to try to find out why she looked so uncomfortable. I got on the bed and propped her up, so that she was leaning on me. Nothing seemed to work or get her comfortable, again. I got off, and suddenly my sister was there with her friend and her mother ( my sister is about 6 years older than me)- they lived close by.. and an ambulance was called. In minutes however, my mother stopped breathing and I remember touching her hands and they'd felt so cold. Somebody called my dad to give him the news, he was out of town for work.  

I remember thinking :" my life is never going to be the same again", and that proved to be true.
For some reason, I wandered off and wanted to be alone and I was fiddling through the Word of God, I came across the words "I will never leave thee or forsake thee"
God suddenly became real to me, and this is not the type of experience I can put effectively in words. I felt Him there.
The days that led to the funeral are sort of stored in flashes of memories in my mind.

 

Lalala :D You have successfully reached the end of the first part out of four! The next part should be up sometime next month.
Tell me what you think : jeffy.blogger@hotmail.com or comment :)

Thank you Julie, for I'm doing this a little bit because of you. Now it's your turn! I want to know your life story! E-mail it to me ;)

Love

-Jeff