My Life Story. A.

Good day reader ! :D

Yesterday I stumbled across a blog post Your Life Story which made me think about how easily we get judged and judge others.
      At the bottom of the blogger, Julie, left an open invitation for the readers to send in our life stories to her by e-mail. I started writing "My Life Story" and wrote, for quite some time. It turned out to be freakishly LONG and I wrote until about 2:38 AM in the morning. 
 And as uncomfortable as it may be - I'm going to be sharing it here - in four parts (because.) So this is the first part :).

There was once a time quite a while back - when
I didn't care much about myself, but based my opinion of myself, on what others said.
It's crazy, how I managed to survive that phase- but I guess it didn't completely rule my life, so thank God for that. When I sit down to write this random sketch of my "life" so far, one thing that stands out - besides the kind of child I was ( which was the type who had a lot of ideas and thought a notebook +pen = happiness.) - is the passing of my mother.
My mom sacrificed a lot for me (as most mothers tend to do) , like - she gave up a career in my early stages to take care of me and my sister. She loved me, and told me to talk to Jesus whenever I thought I was alone and in the dark.            

She had cancer - was on treatment for a while, but soon got better. This was when I was very young, about 4 or 5 years of age(I don't remember exactly..).
I didn't know what cancer was, except that it made my mother have to go to the hospital quite a lot and also lose her hair(not as a result of cancer, but because of the treatment). She had mastectomy of one of her breasts(as part of her treatment). Chemotherapy and Radiation were words I heard quite a lot. Others might have looked at her differently - but to me she was my mom. 

That was my normal.        In spite of all this, and once the cancer had been "controlled" - things sort of took a different turn, and I had quite a blessed childhood. As a kid, I was protected, taken care of, Loved, listened to - and I'm grateful for aaaallll of that. :D
I made good friends in school, and did pretty OK with the scoring marks part in.

In High School, for some reason I started to drift apart from my friends. But I got to make new friends right after that and sort of sailed along somehow.
This was when I began to care about everybody else's opinions - which is good in some small ways, but can also become your poison. By this time, however, my mother was starting to have to go to the hospital a lot again. 

As a child, my mother tried to explain to me as best as she could - one afternoon- that she wanted to be there for me and asked me if I wanted her too?
We had a few mother-daughter fights, and I wasn't the best child - because by this time I had begun to hate myself ( for what ever reason ?) but when she asked me that - I sort of broke down and we both cried.
I didn't know she had little chances of recovery (nobody ever told me that) I guess I sort of thought , she'd get better like the last time.
About a week after my 13th birthday I came home from school and walked into the room where my mother rested, like every other day, to just talk- but she wasn't feeling well(with a cold, too) and started coughing and sort of pushed me away. I got mad at her, and left - my grandmother was in the room still, with her.
Soon, it became apparent that something was wrong - 'cause she didn't seem to be breathing right ( I'm not quite sure, exactly what was wrong) And we started to try to find out why she looked so uncomfortable. I got on the bed and propped her up, so that she was leaning on me. Nothing seemed to work or get her comfortable, again. I got off, and suddenly my sister was there with her friend and her mother ( my sister is about 6 years older than me)- they lived close by.. and an ambulance was called. In minutes however, my mother stopped breathing and I remember touching her hands and they'd felt so cold. Somebody called my dad to give him the news, he was out of town for work.  

I remember thinking :" my life is never going to be the same again", and that proved to be true.
For some reason, I wandered off and wanted to be alone and I was fiddling through the Word of God, I came across the words "I will never leave thee or forsake thee"
God suddenly became real to me, and this is not the type of experience I can put effectively in words. I felt Him there.
The days that led to the funeral are sort of stored in flashes of memories in my mind.

 

Lalala :D You have successfully reached the end of the first part out of four! The next part should be up sometime next month.
Tell me what you think : jeffy.blogger@hotmail.com or comment :)

Thank you Julie, for I'm doing this a little bit because of you. Now it's your turn! I want to know your life story! E-mail it to me ;)

Love

-Jeff

 

Things I've learnt at the end of the 2nd year in college :

Hello  : )
I really enjoyed writing the Things I've learnt at the end of the 1st year post and so here's the next part:

1.       Very little things are actually under my control: things like what other people think about me, what the weather is going to be in 6 months’ time,  how far away the earth is from the sun--I'll never have control over- I’ve learnt that I need to remember to not worry about these things- ‘cause, well, I’m not meant to.

2.       There are a whole LOT of things that ARE under my control, which I SHOULD be aware of: like what I think about myself, how I spend my time, the things I think about, the people I spend time with, how I look at different  situations, whether I am grateful or not, the things I speak (whether I think before I say something or not), to listen to what someone is saying, whether I can either Love or Hate a person (and so on and so forth). These things, I’ve learnt are LITERALLY blessings from God, and I am accountable for how I choose to do life.

3.       Nevertheless, even if I do forget 1 and 2, andmake a mess of situations- I’m learning to look to God to forgive me and heal my mess. To get back up and remember that sooner or later I’m probably going to laugh about the whole deal.

4.       I’m learning not to dwell in the past and to focus on right now. ‘Cause only now is real. The future is out of my hands, but that doesn’t mean I loaf off now.

5.       That God is Faithful. By that; I mean that God is Truth. Nobody else can say “I love you and I will never leave you nor forsake you” and completely mean it too-and that’s not their fault either.  I have done some pretty nasty stuff against Him, but He still loves me. So, yea. No matter who leaves me, and what happens – He’ll always be there. :D

6.       That I shouldn’t underestimate anything or anybody. Everybody is capable of surprising you.

7.       I’m learning the art of forgiveness. This is a slowwww process for me  - I wish it wasn’t, but it is.

8.       To Love Myself- this requires constant reminding, because over the years- it’s like I’ve forgotten what it’s like to Love myself.
But here’s the thing: I will always be me, and not somebody else. I will always have to live “with myself”. So inclusive of the Good, the Bad and the Ugly parts of me- I’ve got to love myself.

9.       To not love somebody else more than I love myself. This sounds weird, but I have been this love starved person- and a lot of us are…and until Love found me, I have been constantly trying to find love in others. This is just too stressful for a mere person to handle.
I know people might have trouble not to love themselves more than they love others- I occasionally have that problem as well.

10.   That staying true to myself is one of the most important things EVER. That I shouldn’t go out of my way to impress people.

 I'm doing a lot more things that I really want to do. So, Thank God for that :D

Once again, Here's to an amazing YEAR AHEAD!! :D

No shame

I want to SCREAM it to the world

But I want to do it quietly <3

I want to Celebrate Him And my Life Right now

'cause although it appears imperfect -

IT's EXACTLY WHAT I NEEd

exactly where I want in Life.

Everything is perfect in the Lord.

(no matter what others' say :D)


--

This was some spontaneous writing that I did earlier, and it remains unedited because I didn't want it to edited :D

- Love
Jeff

 

Submission

No, I don't mean the sort of thing a person does with a report to a teacher in school.

Here's what I mean:
"to submit" meaning,"to accept or yield to a superior force or to the authority or will of another person."

When we were all very young, I'm guessing that there we were mostly surrounded by some form of authority - to whom we had to submit to.
I never really had a choice there.
I was born to certain set of parents , I had an older sister and  when the time came-I got to go to school, with a certain set of teachers. At home, there were obviously other people around too, such as aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents etc.
The point is- submitting to these people was something I was expected to be doing even before I learnt that I was a Human being. Whether I did actually submit to them or not - is a totally different matter.
18 years into my life and there are a new set of "people" (family aside) that I "ought" to be submitting to.
 This concept is something anybody with an ego (which is everybody) naturally, has a problem with. For one, I had come to realize that these people I'm supposed to be 'submitting' to, were all imperfect people who didn't have a clue, mostly, themselves.

We are all a bunch of 'Know-Nothings' ourselves- so why should I "submit to" or be a "superior force" to anybody else?

  However, there is a "Know-Everything" that I know of, and His Name is God.

With the help of the Holy Spirit, I've come to see that submission is not the UGLY RACOON MONSTER I'd made it out to be in my head.
 It was something much much more than that.
The vital thing I had forgotton is that we have a choice - the key word to me, in the definition above (in purple) is "to accept". It's crazy but this little thing , made all the difference to me.
   It meant that when someone wishes to propose to you something - you don't have to accept.
It's a choice.
When God - the maker of the whole wide Universe- said that He loved me...I didn't have to accept Him. It was a choice. That's the beautifully crazy and simple thing that makes 'submission-by-choice' different from 'being-controlled-by-somebody-through-guilt-and-force'.
 The matter of choice, sort of places importance on the "not-so-superior-force" (even when they don't deserve it, as in the case of God and man).

  However, a while back- when none of this occured to me,I was just downright angry with God.
 How could this possibly be His perfect plan for my life and for peoples' lives in general?
People are Know-Nothings, they don't 'get' (understand) me.

I was literally beating my fists on surfaces, thinking "Why? Lord, Why?"
"Why give me all these ideas and strength to do ...and want me to choose to submit to somebody else? Why give me all this Power? And wish for me to not use it in any way I can?"

And then this picture pops-up in my head.
Of Jesus, being taunted- by a bunch of Know Nothings - to show them His power as He was being taken away to be crucified.
If He was really King of Jews, if He really was God in the form of man, all He had to do was show them that it was true.
But there He was, quiet as a Lamb.  

Jesus.
He might've wanted to show them - really show them who He was. I mean He could've just snapped His fingers - made the world implode in itself and then escaped in a rocket ship.



"Peace Out, Suckers!!" - But, this is not what really happened- right? 

Jesus chose to let them taunt Him to the best of their abilities. Why?
Because it's what His Father in Heaven, wanted Him to do.

Simple ain't it?

Jesus died.
He CHOSE to let them crucify Him. For us. For me.

But wait, there's more. He rose again, and defeated Death in itself. And reigns as King. As God's own Boy.

This is Proof for me, that submitting to Know-Nothings is the right thing to do if - it's what the Know-Everything wants me to do. Because there's a bigger picture, that I can't see.

And by submitting to Know - Nothings, I'm actually submitting to my favourite Know- Everything in the whole wide Universe.

Love
Jeff.

 

 

Light Won't Go Out

Who is this girl I see?
(in the mirror)
she seems graceful and slight
beautiful from within
Her light shines upon all
others
She didn't do this alone.
She didn't choose to be this way, on her own.
Everything I see now comes because of Him,
who took her sin and suffering
and shame
and made it His.
He fought for her, to make her feel loved
Because she lost that feeling
even before she realised it...
If it weren't for Him
who pushed her out of
her personal darkness
would she stand so tall?
No, and would she be able
to stand so still and strong?-
without His strength inside
of her ?
Definitely not.
In a life where chaos prevails
and in a world where darkness
rules
It's hard to sometimes  see
the Light
But with the help of those
like her, the light won't
go out.

My Letter to God

Hey,
     
           A while ago, I fully realized that the only thing that can wholly accept you-no matter what-is a non- breathing notebook. It's a either a notebook you can be completely honest with or God.
   God is obviously so much more than a notebook or a person, even. And ever since I saw the movie "Letters to God" I started addressing all my little diary entries to God. This has become my own private account of all the things I have to say to God (at the particular moment in which I am writing the entry, of course)

So here's the most recent one :

         Dear God,                                                                                   19/3/2013
                            hey. HEY. : D.

Today, You showed me a bit about the kind of nature You want me to CHOOSE to have- That of a child. A child does not hear / see what the world has to say/show. He/she is filled with obedience for the MASTER CREATOR, with eyes and ears only for Him <3. He/she does not trust in the external appearances of another person, but puts his/ her faith in their heart.
 Lately You've also showed that no matter how "popular" or "unpopular" I think a person is - I need to treat them right, show them Love for their heart. And not go out of my way to impress (and hence idolize)anyone, unless God Himself (You) leads me to.
It's strange how insanely simple it is. KEEP YOUR EYES FIXED ON CHRIST. Yet, sometimes it is hard to comprehend. That's when I realize that it's Your divine wisdom provided by the AWESOME Holy Spirit that helps me comprehend it. I ain't doin' it on my own. It's only with the Spirit that I can Love You right.  And Your Grace gives me enough STRENGTH AND WISDOM for each day :). And although some situations - I don't want to go through, You get me through it :). Like I read in the Bible today (was it Paul's letter to the Corinthians?*) where he describes the foolishness of the boasting he was about to do - and did anyway.
 He boasted over his weaknesses. Because, it was through his weaknesses that God was strongest/ most powerful. Hence, through his weaknesses, he is strong. That's awesome.
He also mentioned that because of this-he is content with his weaknesses, shortcomings, failures, troubles, persecutions and all that nasty stuff. Can  You believe how amazing that is? ( Yea, I suppose You can :) Lord!) - [Like . Yes!! I messed this up - Now God can work through me . Yeah, I suppose it does sound a little foolish.]
I need to be content too, right? And REJOICE no matter what. What a crazy notion! And yet it's what is expected of me. And why should I NOT REJOICE?! You make me HAPPIEST. Every happy moment, person/ thing that has made me happy - has made me happy because You worked through them. Help me not forget that Lord.
 I find myself getting excited over the tiniest things, Lord. Like picking out new, clean sheets for my bed from the cupboard. I mean, I am grateful that I have a bed and clean sheets and that I get to pick them and spread them and sleep in them. And it's all Thanks to You, oh Lord.
I've never felt this HAPPY in my life.
Love
Your little girl
Jeff

[* 2Corinthians 12: 7-11]

Not all of my entries are this - happy? But I have to say that nothing matches the amazing feeling that comes from just putting it out there for Him to see.

And now I've put it out here , for whoever else reads this page to see - which honestly, is a little disturbing because...you know, it's private stuff. However I also feel lucky, that I get to share what God's Love has done for me in such a public way.

A friend of mine and I were talking one day, of all the different kinds of things that He did for the people we knew and how He loves us all sort of differently- the way each of us needed to be Loved. It's kind of like if you have a friend, who knows and loves a lot of different people, and obviously this friend's relationship with each and every one of those people is going to be different (custom-made to suit the individuals in that particular relationship).

What I'm trying to point out from this analogy is that, what I have to say to God, is probably different from what you might have to say to Him. And my question is ,
 if you wrote a Letter to God? ( or say, a text message - if you're not the letter writing type) what would it say?

 

Love
 Jeff

the light at the end of the tunnel

12/09/08    Friday

 Every time I try to start studying, my mind wanders. I wish it wouldn't @.@ about everything and anything. noohh! It always happens for this subject. I wish it wouldn't ... I studied so little...wasted a lot of time...It's so NOT GOOD...
        
                          You know .. *serious tone* it's hard to believe but I haven't said this or written it. Maybe because I was trying to forget. But I don't want to. So here it is : I miss my mom.
   No, not the pain-suffering-crying sick her.. Pre-that.. The happy-jovial-always-there-for-me-for-ever-with-no-doubt-mistake-correcting-mom. I mean, think about it.. It's not just about the fact that the entire order of the universe changed. I mean I have a mom. Period.
Right?
Wrong..But Why???
 Ok , I do know why..But still, why couldn't she have stayed healthy forever?? The world just lost a tinge of pink -.-. I know, she's happy. But it's soo confusing. Why can't simple happiness last forever... WHY?Well there... I miss her hugs..the fact that whatever happened I had a back-up plan. Will I ever see her again (yes??) mmmhmm..I can't talk to anyone about this right now. I don't trust anyone as much (or/and) I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable--------Well there I broke the record of not saying anything about it . Maybe I'll talk about it more later.
                                                 Love  
                                                      Jef.

So, this is hard to talk about.
Truth is , that I wrote about my mother - I think once, after this particular entry in my diary/journal. And that was more than 3 years after this one.
But oddly, my feelings remain nearly the same. I'm always going to miss her, and that's just how things are.
   It's so much easier to not talk about things that bother us. It's so much easier to just let it get behind you, and pretend that it's not there.
But then, I've learnt the hard way that, though it's important to look at the brighter side of things - it's better to let other people know what you're struggling with.
 And who knows, maybe somewhere, somehow, someone, struggling will see that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, that billions of people have already found - and that it's just a matter of time before you get there as well.
    I know I don't speak new words. These things you've probably heard of already - no matter what, don't let go of hope - and you're probably wanting to kick me for repeating this-but the reason people repeat it so often is because there is truth behind it. And if this hasn't gotten through to you, then I hope and pray that you'll learn it in your own way.

 No matter how bad the situation is ( or how bad you've made it ) things will change. You will remember what it's like to be alive again, if you choose to believe it.

We all have our battles, and I know mine doesn't even COMPARE to some of the things that people have had to deal with in their life ( and continue to deal with right now). Atleast I've had the priveledge of knowing and growing with my mother for 13 years.

I don't know what your source of strength is,or what keeps you going. For me - God is the only one who sticks with me through everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING.) He is the only reason, I'm alive and well today. Because I mess up way too much , to make it on my own.

 

 

Love

Jeff